A little over two years ago, I returned to America after a year of teaching ESL in South Korea. It was a wonderful time. I have so many awesome memories, and would recommend the experience to anyone so long as they can stomach eternally spicy food, crowds of people with no sense of personal space who won't hesitate to rest
their head on
your shoulders for a quick nap on the subway, and children.
Lots and lots of children.
And not just any children. I speak of the unspeakable. You will have to teach the worst, the most savage of them all. The ones that will eat you alive, starting with your kneecaps, if you don't entertain them for 45 minutes straight. The ones that will rip you apart limb from limb if you don't show them a Powerpuff Girls cartoon every other day.
I am, of course, speaking of kindergartners.
While they are a vicious bunch, don't be scared. You can tame them. They have bendable, malleable, and yes, gullible minds. Learn to lie. A lot.
It's well known within my circles that I have a deceptive tongue. Ask anyone who has played Mafia with me. I excel at lying. It's one of my best qualities. So when my employers lied to me about the fact that I wouldn't be teaching kindergarten (when, in fact, I was), naturally I unleashed the full bront of my revenge on my pack of pupils.
They never knew what hit them.
When they asked me how old I was, I told them I was 65. When they pressed me further, I told them that people in America aged slower than people in Korea. Plus, we had better plastic surgery. My Korean co-teacher backed me up.
When they asked me about my home, I told them I was an alien.
'Teacher!' they said. 'You're not an alien!'
'Wanna bet?' I replied, proudly flashing my Korean id card, with the words 'National
Alien Registration Card' written prominently across the top in English. Their mouths dropped to the floor.
When they asked if I liked Harry Potter, I told them I was Harry Potter.
Since I'm white, thin, and have hair, they believed this without question. I told them I forgot my wand on my spaceship back in America. They also believed this, because they were six.
And somehow, despite all the deception, over time they came to love me. They answered to my every beck and call. Here are some samples of their complete and total admiration of their jackal of a teacher:
Here's me. Apparently, my hair grew so fro-ey that at some point it gained the ability to refract light. Or that could just be the ultraviolet radiating out from my oompa-loompa tan.
Here, I'm able to send psychic messages through rainbows to make girls fall in love with me. Oh, and my left hand is liquid metal and can morph into sharp objects, just like the t1000 in Terminator 2.
The korean in the middle reads science. The kids loved the days we had science. Who wouldn't love building paper airplanes, testing out magnets, or roasting small children inside of mushrooms?
That, my friends, is a rocket. Inside is me (complete with unofficial korean name Cheolsu), rocketing back to my homeworld.
Here's me again, as Cheolsu, tending to my pet unicorn back on Mars.
See what happens? White lies never hurt nobody. In fact, they actually helped. My kids learned more english through deception then most learned the normal, namby-pamby way. Seriously, why teach colors when you can talk about how awesome it is to have six arms hidden under your shirt?
Comments (173)
Ahhh, I feel so much better now about making stuff up for my 5 yr old nephew.
Sweet. But this won't convince me to teach children even if I know how to lie. I'm allergic to bad kids. :D
LOL! I'm gonna tell my 6-year-old nephew so much BS now and see how he reacts.
The more outrageous the lie you tell a child, the happier you will make them...and me. Great stuff
Awww how cute!
wow, mike. that explains a lot. wow.
I actually got my TEFL recently and I'm looking to teach as well. Any tips can give me? I've been talking to the job placement person at my university and he recommends SMOE.
@Infamous_Dewey - no, don't LOL. you must keep a straight face. that's the only way any of this works.@EclipticStrike - i have no idea what SMOE is, but if you plan on going to Korea, know that the pay is relatively good but they lie profusely to you about the job details. don't believe them if they say you will work under 40 hours (you will work MORE), or that you won't teach kindergartners (you will). as for actual teaching, play as many games as possible in class. kids have to speak english to learn it. they won't get much from lectures.
Hilarious. When I teach my swim lessons, I always ask the kids how old they think I am. The oldest I've gotten was 54 (I was 16 at the time) from a 4-year-old, and when I asked him how old his dad was, he said "28." Funniest thing ever.
@SAVEDbyTSC - yeah, you never tell a student your age. they always want to know, and by not telling them, you are always in the driver's seat.
@woodrowwilson - thanks! that DOES help, where did you teach at?
@EclipticStrike - i taught at a branch of YBM ECC in Ilsan.
i love learning interesting personal histories. thanks for sharing. so cool that you taught (and lied) in korea.
Well this was an interesting story with nice little lies. I love the rainbow hair. You're right about a little bit of lying. We celebrated entirely too many holidays with my kindergarten class so we had to say the leprechaun just ran out the class and that is why the door flew open. This lie went further though because I wrote a note on the board from the leprechaun & then messed the classroom up leaving glitter around. All lies, but it was super fun and none of them realized it. I even used leprechauns to keep them on task which is just creepy. Aren't little kids just great?
This was awesome, but later on in life, when they discover all your lies, they will curse your name. That's what my Dad did when I asked him science questions. He never knew the answer, so he just made stuff up. And then in high school, I answered many, many questions wrong in class.
Awesome and adorable.
Sometimes I think I might want to teach children, because their parents don't seem to, but then I realize that I can't stand other people's kids and that it would be a really bad idea. I admire and thank you for the great work you did/do with other people's kids.
There's a terrific book called "Great Lies to Tell Small Kids", and it comes with cartoon illustrations. By the same guy who did the Book of Bunny Suicides. It sounds like you don't need reference material, though.
@sniglet74 - the book of bunny suicides puts me on the roflcopter.
I wish I had a liquid metal hand and psychic rainbow powers. Maybe I should go to Korea.
Hahahaha. I love MAFIA. I still play it from time to time with my friends. How come they spelled 'science' like 'sirens'? LOL. It kind of confused me for a second. I thought it implied that there were loud sirens on your spaceship. Korea is hovered with technology, so it's not surprising kids would believe in such a thing. Adorable story, though. I'm about to spend the rest of my life there starting next year. I'm anticipating it very much. My favorite country in the world. It's good you taught English there. Those kids were lucky. Just about no one there speaks English, sadly. The ones that do are sent abroad. When I have my children in the future, I will most definitely teach them English from day one. Nice name... haha. '철수' Who gave you that? My Korean name (선미) was just a conversion of my Chinese name (仙美, Xian Mei), from Hanja, etc. Good post.
@chennah_maureen - yeah, they were six. i don't think they knew how to spell really well in korean either. phonetically, it makes sense. sort of.
and i hated my name. a few co-teachers gave it to me as a joke. apparently, it's one of those common textbooky names that no one actually has in real life. your name at least makes sense in relation to your chinese name.
p.s. no matter what they tell you, do not, i repeat, DO NOT, try bowshintang.
LOL. Koreans WOULD give you a name they could make fun of. That's why you gotta love 'em, though. Yes, I've heard about that. Dog meat soup, right? I hear good things, but I'll never try it. I'm not sure if they're saying it just to mess with my head, or if they're serious, but it's not for me. I love dogs... just not in my food. I can eat many other 'exotic' animals, like frog and snake, but I could never devour an animal I treat like a family member. Household pets... no no. Just to be safe, let's just stick to beef, pork, chicken, and the common seafood delicacies. Hahaha.