I’m within rock bludgeoning distance of a Master’s Degree. Within a week, I’ll have finished a paper on the emerging church in the 21st century and will only have 2 classes left before I get my working papers from Jesus School.
Yes, I attend seminary.
No, I don’t talk about religion much.
I have my reasons. For one, I don’t like to blog about things related to religion, philosophy or anything else more abstract in nature. It’s just not fun to me, and probably not all that fun to read, either. It’s just not my thing. I like to wrap my beliefs up in more creative packaging.
But, eh, what the hell. Here we go.
Obviously, in Jesus school, we talk a lot about the bible. One of the things we talk about is how the bible is an extraordinarily complicated book. Most of you know this, but the bible isn’t all puppy dogs and candy canes. There is genocide, rape, pillaging, bloodshed, crucifixion and a general sense of mayhem. (For the record, dying by crucifixion is the second worst way to die, just behind dying in outer space.)
We talk about the danger of trying to moralize, or Aesop’s fable-ize the Bible’s stories. Here’s the thing. The bible isn’t a self help book. Not everything is a moral lesson.
Take the story of
Jephthah.
A basic rundown:
Bastard son of a prostitute becomes a mighty warrior.
Bastard warrior wants to kill some peeps.
Warrior asks God for help, then promises to sacrifice the first thing he sees when he returns home.
By the power of Greyskull!, annihilation ensues.
Warrior returns home, sees his daughter running out to him.
Cue weeping, tearing of sack clothes.
Daugher grieves with friends.
Warrior sacrifices daughter.
Try to find a moral in there. A life lesson. I dare you.
Good luck. I don’t think there is one, save for the same lesson other troubling passages of the bible bring to light:
The human race is fucked up. Always has been.
Everyone knows this, and honestly, when it comes down to religion, more people are interested in something apart from the human condition. We’re interested in the human prescription. We’re not asking ‘God, why are so fucked up?’, as much as we are ‘God, are we fucked?’
Spoiler alert for those who haven’t read the bible:
No, we’re not.
Jesus became a zombie.
All pictures are taken from
The Brick Testament. Awesome translation of the bible.
Comments (38)
Early congrats on getting your Masters! :)
Props for making a lesson on religion funny and interesting! I read everything and chuckled at the end. I'm Buddhist so naturally I've never read the Bible. -_-
@La_dolce_vida - thanks! It's funny, but I have a lot of Buddhist friends who understand a lot more about the nature of Jesus than some of my Christian friends.
Jephthah was the last Judge of Israel for a reason... it's possible God was looking at how Samson turned out, and this Jephthah guy, and saying, "Okay, the judge system is no longer what We could call successful."
@woodrowwilson - it's prob because the plight of Jesus and Buddha is very similar. If you're curious, you can Google the story of Buddha and you'll see that both Jesus and Buddha had the same aspirations.
I love this! I think the lesson is: don't make rash promises, unless you want to be mocked by the gods. Actually, try not to have rashes at all.
@La_dolce_vida - a lot of great religious leaders had similar aspirations. i spent a lot of time in my college years contemplating buddhism, but just found that christianity, with its concept of a God who suffers voluntarily to be with us, spoke to me more.
@fullmetalbunny - haha! yeah, it's totally possible jephthah had mental problems. and sampson was just a meathead.
Wow. What a cool post! Thank you. Glad you were recc'd...
And early congrats on the degree!
@SamsPeeps - thanks. i still have a few more classes to go, but i'm excited to be done. seminary is no joke.
Seminary? Wow, I never would have guessed. Early congrats, though! My dad always wanted me to become a priest, but I just didn't have it in me.
And yay for legos. The Bible would probably make for a pretty epic TV series! :D
You know what's a dumb place to find meaningful morals? The old testament....
Also I never got the story of Satan v. God and how God won the case. I mean, Satan was a pretty logical guy as far as not wanting to serve man.
Have you ever looked into Hindu mythology? So fucking epic lol. Same with Celtic.
I'd have to say the most hardcore are the Vikings though... Like their version of heaven is fighting for eternity in Ragnaroke lol...
I wouldn't have guessed, but I am not surprised in retrospect. Congratulations on the Masters. Those are the coolest legos ever. In some things perhaps the moral is bound in the reaction, not the actions... but that would be asking a lot of human kind and their ability to interpret and misinterpret just about anything.
Seeing a man of God exercise humor and critical thought is a refreshing thing these days. It reminds me of the church I grew up in. I thank you for that!
Interesting post.
Congrats on the Masters. My next beer is in your honour.
Jesus lego is awesome.
What's Jesus least favourite food?
Smarties because they keep falling through his hands. Oh, snap.
I think really there is a moral to the story. Let your "yes be yes and your no be no, everything else is evil." It show a little bit of faithlessness when we are making stupid deals for God to do something. Can't remember David making dumb deals.
this is why i'm not a christian...
oh, i've heard some morals ripped out (or patched onto) that story. one of which was "women are evil, they should probably die. unless they wear victorian clothing. then they are redeemable." good stuff. more people who want to be interpreters of the bible should probably go to jesus school. then they wouldn't be asses.
did you have to study the history of how the bible was put together and whatnot/translated as part of jesus school? i would assume so. i think that would be interesting.
Your spoiler alert was charming.
I have read the bible, more than once. I am not a Christian. The timing of your post is great, as my children and I were discussing genocide last week. They asked why things like this happened, where I reminded them that things like this have always happened. I reminded them that the Bible is also a history lesson and I don't have to believe to enjoy reading history.
Thanks for sharing in a fun way.
moral of the story - don't make open-ended promises?
@ten_toes_fabulous - it depends on what degree you're going for. my degree is geared more towards social work/parachurch stuff, so i didn't deal with theology all that much. people that are going to school to be pastors and stuff, yeah, they have to take all kinds of classes like that: systematic theology, church history, greek, hebrew. the works.
everyone takes classes geared towards certain books of the bible. you learn a lot about historical context and translation issues in those classes.
@bubbadirt - be careful in comparing the morality of bible characters. david killed a man so he could take his wife, remember?
Changed your photo to reflect your condition after finishing the paper? The seminary thing - with socal justice - seems right. Glad you can see the light (at the end of the tunnel too).
I think the moral of that story is a simple one be careful- be careful what you wish for and what you promise. But yes i agree- that is pretty messed up. Congrats on the Masters I wish i was a bit closer to being finished but alas i'm have years to go LOL. Loved the pic expecially the Jesus as a Zombie that was unexpected.
@angeltears2431 - actually it's lazarus.
but technically, jesus was undead, therefore a zombie. just before he became a superhero and disrupted the space time continuum.
I think the moral is not to wheel and deal with God,just ask.